Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Yes, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It should be large. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had stunning ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we're building them with balconies."

Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely from put. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:

A three-floor Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until the drone flies")

Plus a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable h2o. But Sure, guaranteed, let us have another put where American Adult males can put on robes and call it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, not surprisingly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign plan analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though prior negotiations failed beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: provide Every person a suite around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

In line with paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"That is gentle electricity," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every device. Trump Tower Damascus The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It's actually not that Trump should not open a tower in a war zone. It is really that he must halt making use of it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the job, replied, "You realize, gentleman, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people. Terrific tan. In any case, do I still have that ice product?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."

Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head noticeable from Area, a attribute getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and the chin is… very well, classified.

Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after discovering the setting up's gold plating mirrored a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to a local melon cart.

"It is really not merely unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.

The Melania Wing and various Confusing Attributes

Probably the strangest ingredient with the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:

A silent atrium exactly where guests may contemplate imprecise disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with local weather Command set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.

Local Syrians are Doubtful what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Promoting Strategy: "In case you Bomb It, They Will Occur"

The ad campaign, lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:

"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Without end."

Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:

"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."

Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:

34% say "it'd stabilize the area"

29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"

18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator on the West Lender?"

Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"

The project is previously attracting attention from Worldwide investors, which include:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll obtain 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."

As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree will even incorporate:

A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Place Depending on the Iraq War

Comment Section Chaos

To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can't wait around to see a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."

Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"At last, a lodge where my PTSD may have change-down provider."

One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Impact

U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Experiences counsel:

China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to construct a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Remaining Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

In a very closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:

"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything three. You happen to be welcome."